I woke up, the sun glowing obliquely through the half opened window, while the room basked in an orange shade of light that brings warmth, outside the sky is a deep blue without obstruction in its path. The light breeze flowing into the room smells of a fresh day, clean and full of life. I lay there, alight smile that nothing could break, a clear mind that no doubt could penetrate, an open mind wanting to explore more. The sound of activity slowly rolls in from outside. The sheets stir, your auburn hair reveals your blue eyes that hold a depth of purity so true. Your smile fulfills a warmth and beauty that has become rare in this existence. You lean across, your soft skin against mine, your hand on my chest. We kiss; your lips on mine, and I lose myself.
I sit awake in this dark of night, no thought, no sound, just self. Consumed and just listening. Never have I been able to recognize it so aptly until now, this desolate feeling. Days go on and we watch the world argue with itself, the agony it causes, and it consumes me. There is a place at the edge of this earth where beauty and life are born. That is the place I want to be, with you by my side.
In the mix of a darkness that had entwined our lives, the struggles we fought, the ideas and beliefs we held, there is always a singular event that catches our soul by surprise.
We create rules, images and falsehoods to protect ourselves, measures of survival, we are running from a fleeting idea; an idea that turns out to generated by fear.
The day we take risks against our survival instincts, ignoring fear and pursuing happiness is the day we surprise ourselves, become ourselves, and save ourselves from decadence.
It is at this brink that not only do we prevail, but we understand how true every emotion, thought and belief is.
Opinion and beliefs are all a product of perception, shaped and moulded on individual agendas, desires and ideals. This perceived insight acts as a proxy between the real world and the domain we choose to exist in. This multiplicity in comprehension causes friction and conflict between identities. Where an external party’s endeavor to influence the perception of others generates doubt and fear in one’s own ability to recognize the dimensions of existence around us. This leads to one simple question: Why am I questioning myself? When no one is more apt in understanding our own existence than ourselves. While if the supreme perception fails to coincide, than it is safe to assume one is suffering delusions of grandeur. Until that moment comes we can do nothing more than trust our intuition, and trust that our instincts and existence have not led us astray. While we travel through this life, if we ever let others alter our perceptions by inducing fear and doubt we are giving away part of ourselves that once lost, can never be truly balanced. For as long as there is an actuality there will always be an anomaly and difference between the opinions and beliefs that separate the self and the aggregation. It is in this difference that we must trust.
Every action affects our neural topography, We literally become what we do, not what we’ve done, or what we will do. We’re best defined by our actions in the moment.Bennett Halverson (Summer Glau) – Dollhouse
There are few things that scare us within this world. We acknowledge these triggers and why they instigate the need and reaction to fade away. We design methods for handling and manipulating these emotions and reactions, to minimise the effect and to control ourselves in times of chaos. However it is only at times when we least expect to find it, that fear creeps upon us. The excessive fear is drawn out of our feelings for those we care about in our lives; those that hold meaning. Our usual processes fail in every way, we almost begin to drown in it, struggling to find resolve. Hunter S. Thompson once said you should never turn your back on fear, it should always be in front of you, like something that might have to be killed. While the point is clear and regardless of the intoxicating fear, we must contain it and force it into awareness. Fear is an uncertainty in the unknown, it is a basic survival trait in all living souls and because of this, fear can be disregarded. The day we let fear channel our decisions we become lost to ourselves. In times of absolute fear, we must find a strength beyond conscious thought, otherwise we are nothing more than slaves to the uncertain. Fleeing from existence itself…
Sometimes we believe we have ourselves worked out. With a decent understanding of our thoughts and beliefs, our ideals and motives; we live our lives the way we do. Whether it could be by some distinct cosmic interference, a mystical force of nature or pure coincidence; we find ourselves facing an unexpected and intense moment. The effect it has on us we could not predict, yet fathom. It creates an inverse reaction to our usual process. It’s entangling, enthralling and intoxicating. When we pause we create a confusion within our beliefs, producing a fear and uncertainty that questions events passed. The human instinct is never wrong, it’s designed to keep us alive and we must trust it over all fears. While our instincts feed us one idea, often our head and heart fail to agree. This conflict is caused by past events and ideals present. While we face circumstances which may challenge ideals held since times existence, we must remember our instinct and trust the way we feel at hand.
While in the corner of existence we try to understand our defiance. The defiance that stops us from turning into the darkness that we see everyday. The darkness that surrounds so many in our lives. The corruption that creates the darkness is so easily followed, so easily created; and while we no longer fear it, we float just on its edges. Only to never graps at it. The taste of this corruption forever lingers on our soul, as a stain that can never be removed, but only looked upon with remorse. While we acknowledge the darkness that envelopes so many, we can only look forward into what can be described as against the grain. Whilst moving against the grain, all we can do is hold true and remember the stains on our soul, and the reasoning for this clear vision.
The name is from the French, Gargoeui. The name of a medieval dragon that prowled the river Seine. Whose horrible image became the symbol of the soul of the condemned. Turned to stone. Or of the devils and demons of the underworld spared eternal damnation.
The embodiment of the lesser forces of the universe who inspired dread, the threat of our own damnation. Ushers into hell or into the realm of our own dark fears and imagination. For over 1200 years, this grotesque image has found its expression in stone, clay, wood, oil and charcoal. Born again and again as if resurrecting itself by its own will through tortured human expression, almost as if it existed. Haunting men inwardly so that it may haunt mankind for eternity.
But what impulses moved it to kill? Could this be the same dark force at work? Its ultimate expression the destruction of the flesh? Of the very hand that creates it? Is this evil something born in each of us? Crouching in the shadow of every human soul waiting to emerge? A monster waiting to violate our bodies and twist our will to do its bidding? Is this the monster called madness?Fox Mulder – X Files
For all the worth, for all the meaning, we find ourselves looking for something to mask any void we consider our existence has. Chaos ensure that any step taken without fault is balanced through corruption. Collective consciousness forms when parallels between chaos and corruption are desired, when the human instinct of self-destruction prevails without question. With the desire for chaos surrounding every action and reaction, risks are taken, attitudes are darkened and morals are lost. Falling into anarchy we can only watch on until we chose to step out of the collective, to move against the grain.